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"Get Over It"

Sermon by Dr. Greg Knox Jones
on Luke 7:11-17
given June 10, 2007

A man whose wife of 37 years died twelve months ago, does not walk out the front door one morning and say, “I’ve finally reached closure on her death.”  Parents whose four-year-old daughter drowned in a swimming pool do not announce five years later, “We’ve recovered from our daughter’s death.”  While experts on loss and bereavement warn against the use of such words as “closure” and “recovery,” many continue to use them.  This may give many the false impression that despite the tragedy someone has experienced, some day soon, he will get over it. (1)

A segment on 20/20, told of a husband and wife whose six children were killed by an illegally licensed driver.  The person reporting the story, wanting to sound a hopeful note, announced that the couple had turned their grief into action.  But such a comment leaves people with the impression that you can get rid of intense grief if you will simply embark on a course of action.  Focusing their energy on a cause was a positive step that will probably help these parents live with their tragedy, but no one can erase the pain of losing a child by becoming involved in a good cause. 

Alexandra was only seven when she took her last breath.  An aggressive form of cancer ravaged her tiny body.  Her parents were devastated by her death; each day was a struggle.

They went to a counselor to help them deal with the grief that penetrated their souls, but after a couple of months, the therapist closed her practice and the couple felt abandoned.  They checked around for other counselors and found one that was helpful.  But then, after a few months, he began a session one day by asking them: “How long do you expect your grief to last?”

They were stunned.  They sat there in silence for a minute or so, and then the wife said, “You’re asking us how long we will grieve the death of our daughter?”

“Yes,” he replied, “I want you to set a goal.”
The couple was aghast.  He did not get it.  They will always grieve the death of their daughter.  They will never get over it.

This morning’s passage from the Gospel of Luke tells the story of a woman whose son died.  The story begins with Jesus and his disciples arriving at the edge of a town.  As they approach the city gate, they run into a funeral procession where a crowd is carrying out her son.  Picture a newscast of Palestinians carrying a shroud-wrapped body through the streets of Gaza. She is surrounded by her friends and neighbors who are helping her make the gut-wrenching walk to the cemetery to bury him.

Whenever I hear of parents burying their children, my stomach tightens.  Life is awry and things are out of order when children die before their parents.  Some of you have tasted such bitter suffering.  Camilla’s parents had to bury one of their children and we have said many times that we do not want to live long enough to bury one of ours.

Returning to our passage, we read that the heart-breaking news for this woman is compounded.  Not only is she burying her child, but we discover that she has already buried her husband.  This is not the first time she has had to make this mind-numbing walk.  This is not the first time she has been flooded with tears and suffering. 

However, the bad news does not stop there, because the text tells us that it is her only son.  This would be a nightmare for any of us, but in the first century, such an event was even more devastating.  Without her husband, her son was her means of support.  She could not collect on a life insurance policy.  She would not be receiving a pension or social security.  “She had only one son.  Now he was dead, and so was her hope for her future security.” (2)

Jesus and his disciples encounter this procession and Jesus perceives the pain of the widow.  He feels compassion for her and acts to relieve her agony.  He cries out, “Young man, I say to you, rise!”  And the passage says that the young man sat up and began to speak.

Time and again, the gospels indicate that Jesus was especially sympathetic to those in anguish.  Whether they were poor or suffering physically, emotionally or spiritually, Jesus would not avert his eyes.  Instead, like a magnet, he was drawn to those in need. 

The way he responds makes this passage thorny.  He resuscitates someone who was dead.  Ah, if only that were always the case, that children and young people who die were brought back to life.  Everyday people die before their time and we can drive ourselves mad trying to figure out why Jesus resuscitated this young man, but not so many others. 

Perhaps it helps to remind ourselves that in the ancient world, stories of miraculous events were not uncommon.  That is why we read in the Bible that miracles were performed not only by God and Jesus, but also by Moses, by magicians, by prophets, by the disciples of Jesus, by ordinary Christians, even by unbelievers and false prophets.  People in ancient times viewed the world very differently than we do today.  Since the rise of science, our view of the world, our interpretation of extraordinary events and what we believe is possible and not possible have altered a great deal.  Thus, when we read miracle stories from the Scriptures, we are not always sure what to make of them.  Some people understand them literally, others do not.

It seems to me that we come up very short if the only message we glean from this morning’s reading is that Jesus was a miracle-worker who could resuscitate people who had died.  How does that help us today?  What does it mean to all of the people whose children or spouses die and they plead with God to bring them back, but nothing happens?  Do they think that God is callous and insensitive to their pain?  Do they assume God is punishing them? Do they lose their faith because God did not bring their loved one back to life?

Could it be that the point of this morning’s passage is not so much what Jesus could do for someone in pain, but what we can do for someone who grieves?  Doesn’t this passage tell us that the proper response to someone who has lost a loved one is to respond with compassion?

Of course, no one would suggest that we should be indifferent or respond in hurtful ways to people who suffer.  However, well-meaning people do not always respond in the most helpful way.  People who have lost a child can tell you of the painful comments others make.  Some will say, “At least he’s not suffering anymore.”  And the parent wants to reply “Why did he have to suffer at all?”  Someone will say, “Well, at least you have other children.”  And the parent wants to ask, “Which of your children could you live without?”  Someone will say, “I know how you feel.”  And the parent might just scream, “You don’t have any idea how I feel!”  Some will say, “God doesn’t give us more than we can bear.”  And the parent wants to say, “The death of my daughter is unbearable, and why would God need to test me to know how much I can bear?”

Most people want to respond with compassion to someone who has lost a loved one, but sometimes they say things that inflict more pain than relief.  How can we be helpful rather than harmful, when a friend suffers a profound loss?

For one, we need to remember that people do not get over the death of a loved one - especially the death of a child or a spouse.  You can learn to live with it, but the deceased person will always be a part of you.  And so will the hopes that can never be realized.  We can help those who mourn, if after their loss, we don’t expect them to simply put it behind them.  It helps to think in terms of a slow process of ongoing healing, rather than an eventual state of total recovery.

I once heard a woman named Darcie Sims speak at a Compassionate Friends seminar.  In addition to being a bereaved parent, Dr. Simms is also a grief counselor.  Her son, Austin, died 25 years ago, and she is well acquainted with all the things people do that help, as well as all the things people do that hurt.  One suggestion she had for helping someone in grief is to let the person know he doesn’t have to wear a mask around you.  Let him know that he can be however he needs to be, because people who are grieving do not have that opportunity very often.  When they are at work, when they are in the grocery, even when the come to church, they feel the pressure of other people’s expectations.  They should not cry in public.  They should not mope.  Unfortunately, some Christians think that anyone who follows Christ should always be cheery and put on a smile, even if it’s a facade. If we genuinely want to help people who are grieving, we will let them know that they don’t have to wear a mask around us. 

People who are bereaved also need patient listeners.  Listening is becoming a lost art.  Everyone wants to be heard, but few will listen.  You have been in a conversation in which you were talking and the other person couldn’t wait for you to finish and so they quit listening and started interrupting you.  To listen well means to allow the person to talk as long as necessary and to express whatever feelings need to be expressed.  That means we not only need to be patient listeners, but also non-judgmental listeners, by communicating to the other person that she can express whatever thoughts and feelings she has.  She can talk about her sadness and she can cry until she has no more tears.  She can share her confusion and she can talk about her feelings of guilt.  Since it is common for people to be angry when they’re in pain, good listeners let their friends know that it’s normal to get furious sometimes.

Some who grieve are angry at themselves, others are angry at the person who died, some are angry at other family members and some - even though few will admit it - are angry with God.  They want to scream: “God, why did you let my loved one die?”  If you can become a patient and non-judgmental listener, then you give someone a very special gift that helps bring  healing into his/her life.

When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s easy to find excuses for avoiding him.  Yet, Christians are called to help shoulder part of the load when someone is hurting.  We are called to be caring and compassionate to people who are in pain.  Checking on a friend who is hurting and being a good listener can lighten the load of someone who is carrying a heavy burden.

Finally, we can help people who mourn the death of their loved ones by encouraging them to attend worship.  It is crucial for them to hear the words of Scripture and to know that God is our greatest strength and our deepest hope.  The loss of a loved one can be devastating, but God seeks to lighten our grief by sharing the burden and by giving us the strength to persevere. 

God does not magically reverse the events of history or make all sorrow disappear, but God can help us reshape our lives so that we can discover the path to our best possible future.  The transforming power of God makes new life possible.  This new life does not deny the pain of the loss nor ignore the void that will always exist, but it embraces the hope that the current pain can lessen and joy can return.

May God give you the courage to walk side-by-side with someone who must travel through the valley of the shadow of death.  And may you become for them God’s hands and feet, and especially God’s heart so that they will know that you care and God cares, and life is still worth living.

NOTES

1. Robert Baugher, “How Long (According to the Media) Should Grief Last?” printed in the Columbia Journalism Review, (March/April, 2001), p.58.

2. Janet Hellner-Burris, “God Hears Our Tears,” in Lectionary Homiletics, June – July 2007, p.23.

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